An epiphany...

This is a little long...well very long. Sometimes insight comes when you least expect it and sometimes in the most unlikely places. After I finished my time on the treadmill today I came home and did a little writing...

The Parable of the Treadmill
I am a person who has made it a lifelong practice to resist and avoid exercise. I made up my mind at an early age that exercise was not for me…I didn’t want to do it…I didn’t enjoy doing it. In fact I despised the very thought of doing it. Exercise was very high up on my list of forms of cruel and unusual punishment. Through the years, I had many excuses of why I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the time, it was too hard, I didn’t like getting sweaty, I didn’t want to get up early, I didn’t like the awkward stares from people when my face turned red, it was either too hot or too cold outside, and the list goes on. Over the past few years, I have taken a good, hard look at reality and have made a startling discovery…I am getting older. I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to have some degree of quality of life in my “golden years”, I must embrace this idea of exercise. I joined a gym last summer and since then I have spent a lot of time on the treadmill. I might not appear to be a deep thinker, but I think about things…a lot. Today as I was at the gym, I thought a lot about my experiences over the past six months of running on the treadmill and how it applies to my life. I call these thoughts; The Parable of the Treadmill.


Some days…ok most days… I don’t want to go to the gym but I usually find myself there every morning around 7:15. Sometimes I sit in the car and stall for a minute or two because I know what is going to happen when I get inside and the thought of getting on the treadmill makes me feel a little sick. As I step up onto the treadmill, I know what is coming. It is no mystery or secret. I have been here many, many times before. I find myself hoping that it won’t be as bad as yesterday or last week. Maybe one of these days it will be so easy and pain free that I won’t even realize I’m on the treadmill. I set the time and the pace and the belt slowly starts to turn. At first I feel good, I feel strong. I am proud of myself for being on the treadmill especially when I don’t want to be. As the pace picks up, I begin to have a conversation. I tell myself that even though it will be hard to spend the next little while on the treadmill, it will be worth it. I can do this. I will gain something from the difficulty I endure. I might grow from this. I might be a better person.


It doesn’t seem very long before I find myself not feeling as motivated as I did at the beginning. My endurance seems to be failing a bit. As I reach the halfway point of my work out, I start to view the treadmill as a serious trial and challenge. I feel tired, my feet hurt and my heart is pounding. Then all of the sudden I hit a wall. I look at the clock and see the amount of time there is left, I say to myself “I will never be able to do this.” The end seems so far away, it will never come. I start to feel discouraged. My head is flooded with thoughts: “just give up,” “don’t bother,” “it’s never going to get easier,” “it’s always the same thing day after day,” “it’s not worth the pain,” “you will never get any better.” I start to really question, what good is this treadmill and what is it all about. I even find myself regretting and wondering why I even signed up for the gym in the first place.


When things get really hard for me on the treadmill, I am often tempted to slow down the pace and just walk. I know if I did this I would be more comfortable and could avoid the pain. A voice inside of me says, “True, but you won’t gain as much, you won’t be as strong as you are when you work through the pain.” When I get to this point, I feel desperate and have to reach deep down for help. I reach for the qualities I hope are in there somewhere. Qualities like courage, patience, strength, perseverance, endurance, understanding, submission, faith and belief. I have to believe that soon I will get off the treadmill and the pain will lessen and maybe even go away.


Sometimes if I can find a distraction, I forget how hard it is for me to be on the treadmill. I have found that music is a good distraction for me. Music tells stories and as I listen to music on the treadmill, I think about how the stories in the music are so similar to the stories of my life. Another thing that helps distract me is watching other people on the treadmills around me. I notice that some people don't seem to have much trouble running on the treadmill. They make it look easy and effortless. Sometimes I am envious of those people and wonder why they don’t struggle as much as I do. To feel better, I tell myself, “You don’t know how many years they have been on the treadmill…maybe they struggled as much as you did when they started. Maybe they have had more treadmill experience then you and because of that they have learned to cope with the difficulties you still struggle with.” I have learned it really doesn’t do any good to compare my treadmill experience to other people’s experience. All of us at the gym are at different levels of ability. Some can run really fast and don’t seem to be bothered by the hardship; others are breathing hard, barely making it and hold themselves up by the handrails. Each person brings their own skills, experience, knowledge and understanding to their time on the treadmill.


My heart goes through different phases as I am on the treadmill. If I do a warm up first, and set the pace real slow, my heart doesn’t feel much different than when I‘m off the treadmill. However, I have observed that as the pace picks up and the intensity increases, my heart begins to really feel the pain. Sometimes my heart is pushed so hard and is so burdened by the difficulty of being on the treadmill, it seems it might burst. One thing I have learned about my heart through these months is that it can withstand a lot of pain, more than I imagined. The more time I spend on the treadmill, the stronger my heart gets. It is a hard principle to comprehend that pain and discomfort can actually be good for you and make you stronger.


Before I know it, my time on the treadmill is over. I am amazed and relieved that I have finished yet another session. I am so thankful that it is done. I feel weary and exhausted; I have been through a lot. Sometimes the pain inflicted upon my heart and body stays with me for days, sometimes much longer. The soreness I feel is a reminder of what I have endured and what I am capable of. A reminder that I am a better person because of the struggles I have been through. I can feel myself getting stronger even after I have gotten off of the treadmill. As the days go by, the memory of the difficult workout begins to fade. Weeks and months go by, I reflect back on how hard it was for me to be on the treadmill. Through it all, I realize the pain that I have lived through has helped me to better understand the purpose of the treadmill. This knowledge gives me the courage to go back and get on it again another day. The belt keeps turning and turning and turning…and life goes on.

Written by Angela
3-4-09