A Difficult Good-bye

I only made it at home for two days before I flew back to Bountiful. The two days I was at home were very difficult, all I could think about was that my dad was dying and I wasn't there. Todd's cousin, Shaun, works for Delta and booked me a flight on Wednesday the 22nd to go back and be with the family until the end. I was very surprised to see how much my dad had declined in two days. The next four days were very emotional. The last two days, my dad seemed to be in a coma and didn't respond to us anymore. Jennifer and Lara also flew in to be with the family. My mom, Jennifer, Lara and I slept sideways across the king bed each night so that we could be with my dad as much as possible. During the day, all of the siblings that lived locally gathered frequently. We were sad that Stephen was out of the country and couldn't be with us during my dad's last days. He was with us in spirit though. We spent most of our time sitting on the bed and visiting quietly, holding my dad's hands, singing some of his favorite songs and remembering the good times. My dad was never alone, someone was always with him. He was surrounded by love all of the time.

I have watched a few of my elderly friends go through the death process, but, I don't think anything can prepare someone to watch the final suffering and death of a parent. On Sunday morning, September 26, 2010 at 6:43 a.m., my dad took his last breath. It's so hard to believe that with one final breath, a whole life time can be over. I understand that death is a part of life and part of the plan...but it is one thing to know this and quite another to watch it first hand and then accept it. My dad passed peacefully with his sweetheart holding his hands, and with loved ones gathered around his bed. I was able to witness tender mercies of the Lord and know that He is mindful of ALL of his children, wherever we are and whatever circumstances we might be in. We are so sad to have lost the head of our family but grateful that he is out of pain. There is a quote I heard that comes to mind: "Now I know why the Lord took his day off on Sunday. That must be the day he personally greets his favorites."

I learned a lot of things from my dad these past five and a half months, here are a few: I learned that we don't get to choose the challenges that we have in life, but we can choose how we handle them. I learned to endure to the very end takes a huge amount of courage and faith. I learned it is possible to go through our trials with dignity, humility, patience and without complaining. I am so grateful for his life, his teachings, his example and his love. Godspeed Dad, until we meet again.

Some Unexpected Visitors

I came back to Utah after being home for one day, Ariel's birthday. I have spent this past week up here taking care of my dad. One day we set dad up on the edge of the bed to help rest his back, he is in so much pain now from laying down so much. While he was sitting there, my sister, Lisa, brought our attention to the window. We saw a family of deer walking around the backyard. My dad was sitting up just at the right minute and was able to see them too. We let them eat a few of the tomatoes from the garden that we don't like, but when they started for the good stuff, my sister told me to chase them away. I waked outside and clapped my hands at them, and said, "Friends, it's time for you to go now." I moved towards them until they felt threatened and decided to leave by the side gate. I shut and locked the gate. It was quite a wildlife show for someone who lives in the desert. Apparently, these deer families just wander around all the time up here.

On Sunday, September 19th, I said my good-byes to my dad. These past few days have been very difficult. He always thought he was going to beat this cancer. We thought if anyone could, it would be him. He is finally beginning to accept that he's not going to make it, but not before he has lost the ability to communicate with us. He tried to tell me something as I was saying good-bye, he tried with everything he had. I could not understand the thoughts and words he wanted me to know. The other day my brother Jon and I, were talking to him about death. We shed a lot of tears. He doesn't want to die. He is mourning the future he will never have here. We are mourning what our lives will be like without him. I know that my dad's time is very short now. It was hard to leave and go home. I cried the whole drive back to Vegas. It is hard to believe that I won't be there for the end, after so much time caring for him.

Ariel's Birthday

Ariel turned 19! That seems so strange, but anyway...I am sure she thought it was a pretty lame birthday, thanks to her mother. With everything we have been going through lately, I did not order her birthday presents in time for them to arrive by her birthday. She didn't have a single present to open today. She was very understanding about it and we celebrated at our favorite pizza place. She wanted a texas cake and I sprinkled it with red, white and blue sprinkles for "patriot day." Poor girl. We love her so much, even if her birthday didn't quite work out as planned. She did have a few wishes come true, going to see grandpa last weekend, and getting out of Cedar this weekend.

A birthday at the fair...

I have been up here with my parents this week. We got some very bad news on my dad's last MRI that was taken September 1st, the tumor has grown and is not responding to treatment. The doctor says that there is nothing more they can do and that my dad should go on hospice. He said my dad has three to six months at the most. This was heartbreaking news for us all. He has declined so much in the past few weeks that we know there is no way he will make it even a month, let alone three to six.

In the midst of such sad news, my younger brother, Jonathan, had a birthday. He wanted to spend his birthday at the state fair with his family and he wanted me to come along. I was very glad I went with them. I don't remember being at a state fair before. It was very interesting. I enjoyed looking at the livestock, it was all very fascinating. The little piggies were so cute. I enjoyed the sheep. I love sheep. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for them. Jon insisted that I go down a very long slide on a piece of burlap. I was very apprehensive about this, due to an extreme fear of heights...but the ride was exhilarating! My favorite part of the whole adventure was seeing Jon so excited and animated about everything at the fair. The evening ended with a rodeo. I hadn't been to a rodeo for a very long time, but again, I was fascinated with the whole thing. Jon was especially excited about an event called, "mutton busting." Little kids holding onto sheep while they run full speed out of the chute. Who knew that sheep could run so fast? Jon was a little down that his second son wasn't competing in the mutton busting this year like his first son did last year. Maybe next year. It was a wonderful evening with a wonderful family. Happy birthday to a special brother.

September 10th, my dad agreed to go on Hospice. This is a very hard thing for him and for my mom...for all of us. Going on Hospice is such a big decision, it fills me with dread. It is the beginning of the end. I left Bountiful and flew back home today. I took a short nap and then drove up to Cedar and picked up Ariel. The girls and I saw Tarzan at the Tuachan in St. George and then drove home again. It was an exhausting day with so much flying and driving.

A Labor Day Weekend...

Ariel was on her way home for labor day weekend when she texted me and said that her only birthday wish was for us to go see grandpa. She said, "Mom - Aaron, Meg and me need to see grandpa one more time." When I heard that, I knew she was right. Our family is not known for being impulsive, but this time we were. We hurried and packed and were in the car headed for Bountiful a few hours later. It was a difficult drive because we left so late in the day, we arrived just after 1 a.m.

We had a great weekend and on Sunday we were able to attend the blessing of one of my newest nephews, Cooper. It was very difficult getting my dad to the church, but he was determined to go. It took five of us to get him into the van and it was very hard on him. I felt so bad for him. We were so glad that he could be with us though.

We had a wonderful lunch at Cooper's house after church, it was great to have the family together. Lara and her family had come from Bozeman to spend the weekend so we were just missing Jennifer's family.

On Labor Day, we had a family breakfast. There was a lot of pancakes to flip and bacon to fry, but it was worth it. Not long after breakfast it was time for my family to head back home. I was staying a few more days and flying home on Friday. It was a very tearful experience as I watched my family say their last good-byes to my dad. I knew that this would be the last time they saw him in this life. Stephen was leaving for a job and said his final good-byes, along with the Lara's family. It was a very difficult morning and there was such a heavy feeling of sadness hanging over us.

When Kids Get Bored...

My kids don't like to go to bed. So weird, I can't wait to go to bed at night and I love to sleep. They stay up all hours of the night doing crazy things that magically pop into their heads. On this particular night, Ariel decided to pour water into Aaron's mouth while he was laying on the ground. They made a video of the whole thing and when they showed it to me the next day, I was grateful that Aaron survived this little stunt and hadn't choked to death. In the video you could hear him gurgling as the water threatened to fill his lungs. Apparently, I have slacked off in my parental duties by failing to teach the children the importance of NOT drinking while laying flat on your back and how impolite it is to spit on your mother's carpet. So many things to teach...so little time.